"The gene pool could use a little chlorine."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Time is what keeps everything from happening at once."
"I love cats...they taste just like chicken"
"The more people I meet, the more I like my dog."
"Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot."
"I get enough exercise just pushing my luck!"
"Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep"
"I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather.... Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car"
"I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian."
"Where there's a will, I want to be in it!"
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?"
"Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW!"
"IRS: We've got what it takes to take what you've got."
"It's lonely at the top, but you eat better."
"Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear."
"He who laughs last thinks slowest"
"Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math."
"3 kinds of people: those who can count & those who can't."